from a friend in Australia
2009 Contract
After serious & cautious consideration......
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the
New Year 2009
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2009
May peace break into your house
and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become
a magnet of $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success
like smoking tires
and may happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy.
May the problems you had forget your
home address!
In simple words ............
May 2009 be the best year of your
life!!!
Labels: friendship
As the holidays begin,
I wanted to pass these party tips along to you.
Enjoy the spirit of the festivities.
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.
And quickly. It's rare.
You cannot find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up!
Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-oholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, eat it.
That's the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on.
Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if
they're made with skim milk or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party
in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Christmas party
is to eat other people's food for free.
Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you
exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps,
which you'll need after circling the buffet
table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something
really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies or pralines
in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don't budge.
Have as many as you can before becoming
the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.
If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat.
Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three.
When else do you get to have more than one dessert?
Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake?
Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs.
I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible
when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention.
Re-read the tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:Life should NOT
be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand,
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming,
'WOO HOO! What a ride!' Sooo True! LOL
From a friend in Australia
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Labels: nightlife and fun times
